“I do not get a free pass because my wife is black.”
Sam Smith
When I first came to Kenya, I remember a question that was asked of me several times;” would you marry a Kenyan?” I never liked the question because by simply asking the question you are suggesting that the answer could be no. Of course, everyone has different preferences in their choice for a partner, but race or nationality should not be a factor in that preference. My answer would always be that I would marry anybody that I would fall in love with, whether they are Asian, African, or European it does not matter. The chances I will marry a Kenyan are higher because I live in Kenya so most of the women I interact with are Kenyan. 5 years later and the answer to my question has been proved correct. I am happily married to Susan, who just so happens to be Kenyan.
I fell in love with Susan not because of some fetish for Kenyan or Black women, but because of the person who Susan is. Beyond her appearance is a beautiful soul with which I connect. One that allows us to laugh together, to tell endless stories to each other, and to feel a sense of oneness in body and soul. Perhaps it was Susan’s beauty that attracted me to her in the first place, but the bond we have in marriage would not have been possible without a deep connection outside of the bodily attraction.
The reasons why I’m married to Susan are far deeper than her nationality which explains the irrelevance of the question of “would you marry a Kenyan?”. It also explains that since love goes beyond appearance, it is possible to love somebody of a different race but still be racist. A common defense of racist behavior that I’ve seen in the UK is “I’ve got lots of black friends” and in some more extreme cases “I’m married to a black person and have mixed-race children”. Being racist doesn’t necessarily mean you hate all people of a different race, in fact, that’s rarely the case. Racism often plays out through the subtle instincts that are in one’s mind. Perhaps you love or like this particular person from the opposite race but it’s certainly possible that they broke the barriers of your prejudice in order to become your friend.
This shows that it is important to engage in anti-racist work at a personal level regardless of whether or not you have acquaintances of the opposite race. Though I’m married to a black woman, I am still the product of a white privilege society which means I need to be constantly learning and unlearning things. There are many levels of unconscious bias which do not allow me to bury my head in the sand, I do not have a free pass because my wife is black.
This is perhaps why, from experience, a white audience is so difficult to get through to when discussing issues of anti-black racism. Many individuals have black friends and have no animosity towards black people but the concept that we are conditioned to think differently (mostly in a negative way) about black people is one that they cannot get their head around. It’s difficult to understand something you have never experienced but if you take the time to look into it, the facts are undeniable. The extreme end of this issue showed itself in the man city vs Burnley game last month. Premier players were taking a knee for black lives matter but in the same game, somebody felt the need to fly a “white lives matter” banner over the stadium.
The culprit was found and ended up losing his job and was quoted as saying, in defense of the banner, “I’m not racist, I’ve got loads of black and Asian friends”. It’s an extreme lack of empathy shown on his behalf and a sure sign that he is indeed racist. It’s a bit like turning up to a funeral of a woman called Margaret and wearing a t-shirt that says RIP granddad because your granddad died last year. Yes, it’s sad that he died, but we are here to pay our respect to Margaret which does not in any way lessen other people’s grief for another person. Yes, white lives matter, but that’s not our focus right now in addressing an urgent issue. #BlackLivesMatter
